{"id":13085,"date":"2015-01-16T18:07:06","date_gmt":"2015-01-16T23:07:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.irawagler.com\/?p=13085"},"modified":"2015-01-16T18:07:06","modified_gmt":"2015-01-16T23:07:06","slug":"love-in-a-winter-of-discontent","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.irawagler.com\/?p=13085","title":{"rendered":"Love in a Winter of Discontent\u2026"},"content":{"rendered":"

photo-2-small.JPG<\/a><\/p>\n

Love is a burning thing
\nAnd it makes a fiery ring<\/p>\n

—Johnny Cash, lyrics
\n_________________<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been in a pretty brooding mood, all this year. Well, which is pretty much the last two weeks or so. Not that unusual a state of mind for me. And I thought I had something outlined, reflecting that, something that would come. But still. As the third Friday approached since my last blog post, there wasn\u2019t a whole lot of inspiration going on inside me. Maybe I\u2019ll just skip again, I thought, as the week arrived and passed right along. <\/p>\n

But then I thought. Well, write a few words. You\u2019ve always claimed to write from where you are. So write, from where you are. And here a is a compact version of what I figured to say about what all was going on inside and around me at that point along the road. <\/p>\n

******************************************************
\nAs short as the New Year has been, a few things have become very clear to me. I\u2019m not quite sure how to approach all of it. And I\u2019m not quite sure how to write it. So I guess I won\u2019t, not until it all comes down around me. <\/p>\n

This is a different year, from any other. And I\u2019m not even exactly sure what that means. It\u2019s just something I can feel inside me, deep down. There will be some major changes in my life. And no, I\u2019m can\u2019t tell you what those changes all will be, because I don\u2019t know, myself. It\u2019s all on the table, as far as I\u2019m concerned, in my head. All I am or have. Yeah, I need to face and deal with some personal demons, some habits and addictions. That\u2019s a given. But I\u2019m talking about more than just that. <\/p>\n

I\u2019m talking about my life as I\u2019ve known it, including where I live and what I do. My home. My job. There\u2019s nothing that\u2019s not on the line, when it comes to what changes the year may bring. Nothing. I\u2019m not saying those changes will happen. I\u2019m saying I\u2019m totally open to whatever happens. <\/p>\n

There are some hard doors ahead, to walk through. I sense that. I know it. I\u2019ve already walked through one I never planned to see, and another hard door looms. Strangely, I\u2019m kind of excited and eager about it all, even though I can feel the fear stirring deep inside. You don\u2019t really plan for things like this. You just walk into them, when they come at you. <\/p>\n

And there are relationships, too, out there, that need mending. I\u2019m not even sure where to go with all that, what it looks like, to mend such a thing, especially where memories of deep and slicing pain remain so fresh. I mean, how do you ever talk to such a person again? It\u2019s possible, I guess. Even probable, if you\u2019re willing to face what was. Whatever. I figure those doors will open, too, when they\u2019re supposed to. If they\u2019re ever supposed to, that is. Maybe that one fearful door will be just like the ones I\u2019m walking through right now that I never planned to walk through. You never can tell. So you just keep walking. <\/p>\n

I guess what I\u2019m leading up to is this. I\u2019m not sure what things will look like, in the months ahead. And right now, I just don\u2019t feel like writing what I think they will look like. I have no idea. You always keep walking, in life. But sometimes, you don\u2019t just keep writing. Sometimes, you pull back, when the voice to speak is silent. <\/p>\n

Maybe this will be the most productive year you\u2019ll ever see, on my blog, and elsewhere. And maybe it won\u2019t. I just don\u2019t know, right now. Like I said, right this moment, I don\u2019t feel like writing at all. I\u2019m thinking some spigots are gonna open, just a little bit down the road. I don\u2019t know that. This is a different year, when everything I am or have is on the table, to be changed or not. Everything. Maybe the changes will have to happen first, before the writing comes. I just don\u2019t know. <\/p>\n

I got no plans as to when I\u2019ll post again. It might be in two weeks, or it might be in two months. I won\u2019t force it. You can\u2019t force real writing. I\u2019ll speak it when it speaks itself. I can promise this, though. Sooner or later, in its own time, all of the journey will be told right here. All of it, including the moment I\u2019m in right now. And that\u2019s about the only promise I can make, when it comes to my writing. <\/p>\n

**********************************************************
\nAnd that right there was me, pretty much all brooding. Saying what was in me to say, this week. A short blog, signing off until I felt like writing again. And when you\u2019re in a self-focused brooding state of mind like that, right about then is when something real will come and smack you up \u2018side the head. And that something slipped up on me yesterday afternoon. <\/p>\n

It was close to closing time, around four or so. An Amish contractor walked in. He had a sample piece of special order trim he wanted made. Let\u2019s take it out to Eli, and see what he says, I told the guy. I think he can make that profile. It looks a little tight right here, but I think he can make it. We walked out. Eli greeted us. I showed him the sample of trim. Can you make this? \u201cYeah,\u201d he said. \u201cI can make that.\u201d<\/p>\n

We stood around and just talked for a few minutes. Eli asked the man. \u201cDo you want to pick the trim up tomorrow, I guess?\u201d A simple question. Normally that would of course have been the case. But not this time. The Amish contractor shook his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, not tomorrow. Monday morning,\u201d he said. \u201cI have a funeral tomorrow.\u201d And he went right on and told us a little bit about it. <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a young bride who just got married in November,\u201d he said. \u201cLast August, she came down with a real bad type of cancer. She went backward pretty fast, and she was barely strong enough to go through with the wedding. But they both wanted to do it, so they went ahead and got married anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n

And I could only shake my head in amazement. Wow, I said. That\u2019s pretty brutal. There sure was nothing wrong with what they did, though, getting married when there was so little time. He looked at me and nodded. \u201cNo,\u201d he said. \u201cThere was nothing wrong with that.\u201d<\/p>\n

And I couldn\u2019t shake it, after the Amish contractor had left. Here I was, all focused on how tough life was for me right now. Focused on my own demons. Focused on my own problems. Alcohol, and how hard it is to cut back. How I\u2019m dreading it, to quit drinking, even for a month. How wimpy is that? And I choose to get all brooding still, to invite the darkness in, off and on, about a pretend relationship that blew up in my face last year. And there are stressors in my life right now, about my job. Boo, hoo, on all of it. Cry me a river. Look, how tortured it is, my “writer’s soul.” Look, how I\u2019m struggling along so bravely under such a heavy load. <\/p>\n

Meanwhile, just a few miles away, across the county, there\u2019s a young Amish husband who chose to marry his wife, even when they both knew she had only weeks of life to live. That\u2019s brutal stuff. And it\u2019s powerfully, powerfully beautiful, that any kind of love on this earth could be as strong as that. <\/p>\n

And I think about it, their wedding day, back in November. Probably two months ago, or less. How her family and her community closed in around her. How they worked hard, to give her that special day she always dreamed of. And how, above all, there stood a man by her side, a man who loved her unconditionally, even as the cancer devoured all she ever was as a healthy, glowing woman. It was day of real joy, their wedding day, I think. A day of real celebration. A day of gratitude for the moment. <\/p>\n

And I feel a little ashamed, looking at that scenario, and what could have been mine, way back in my Amish world. I couldn\u2019t stay for a beautiful girl who actually loved me, a healthy girl, with no looming threat of death. Nah. I was too focused on what I wanted. Didn\u2019t matter, the people I hurt, breaking away. I just wanted out. And from where I am right now, I would do it all over again, the getting out. But I sure would do some things a whole lot differently, when it comes to breaking away.<\/p>\n

Back to today, the very day this blog was posted. A young Amish husband just buried his wife, the woman he married when he knew this day was coming, and was real close. There\u2019s something so strong about their story, that couple. Something haunting, something real. They lived their lives for each other. And the foundation of all they were? That was a simple little thing called love. <\/p>\n

There is no comparison between all that crap I was fretting about, and what really matters in life. Love. Just plain old simple love. Love of God. Love for all I meet, regardless of who they are or where they come from or what they did. Love is what matters, in the end. <\/p>\n

So, yeah, I\u2019m still thinking this will be a year of pretty substantial changes. Yeah, I can still feel it, deep down. But I\u2019m not all tore up, like I was back there, about how tortuous it all is, about not knowing when the writing of it will come. I still don\u2019t know. But I\u2019m a little more relaxed about it all. <\/p>\n

Because I reckon all those doors will open when they open. And I reckon I\u2019ll just write it when the writing gets here. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Love is a burning thing And it makes a fiery ring —Johnny Cash, lyrics _________________ I\u2019ve been in a pretty brooding mood, all this year. Well, which is pretty much the last two weeks or so. Not that unusual a state of mind for me. And I thought I had something outlined, reflecting that, something […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13085","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-news"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.irawagler.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13085","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.irawagler.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.irawagler.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.irawagler.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.irawagler.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=13085"}],"version-history":[{"count":37,"href":"https:\/\/www.irawagler.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13085\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":13122,"href":"https:\/\/www.irawagler.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13085\/revisions\/13122"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.irawagler.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=13085"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.irawagler.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=13085"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.irawagler.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=13085"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}